The British Roulette
‘Are your testicles enlarged?’
Last New Year’s, I experienced strange stabbing pains in my lower abdomen. My ex-wife and I had just separated and I was living alone in our Hammersmith apartment. The physical symptoms came in waves. At some points, the pain receded and I could crawl to the bathroom. At others, I felt like climbing the walls using my bare hands.
When the pain became unbearable, I called the medical hotline. The NHS woman on the other end said she had to take me through a “series of questions to assess my situation.” Left entirely at her mercy, I obliged.
“First question,” she said. “Are you alone?”
“Yes,” I said, grimly. “I am also in pain. Alone and in pain. You happy?”
“Alright,” she said and I swear I could hear the sadistic pleasure in her voice. A mouse click was followed by, “Are your testicles enlarged?”
“E-excuse me?” I was surprised we got to this point in our conversation so quickly. Not that there was supposed to be such a point.
“Are your testicles larger than normal?” she repeated, with more force this time, like a KGB interrogator.
“Not larger than usual,” I replied, coyly. I half-expected her next question to be, “Could you send us a photo to assess?”