On being an asshole

Feeling you’ve arrived is a strange thing. Not to sound like an asshole, but my life is perfect. I’ve got what I’ve always wanted. I have money, a loving partner, an apartment in the best city in the world (paid for months upfront!), and plans that will most probably come to fruition.

When this happens, you suddenly see that there is no place for excuses anymore. That Thing you thought you would do once everything else in your life is in place — writing a novel, starting a hobby you’ve always wanted but never had time for, launching a business you dreamt of once you’ve covered all your basic needs — is now possible and is staring at you, face on, waiting for you to give it attention.

So you try your best to feel grateful for where you are. But at the same time, fears kick in.

What if this ends? What if I get laid off from my job, get sick, run out of money, my partner falls in love with someone else or realizes that I am not what she thought I was when we first got together? What if I lose everything I’ve built so far?

I guess that’s just how the human mind works. When you had nothing, you desperately longed for everything. When you have everything, you are terrified of losing it.

Then self-doubt knocks on the door. You start to wonder if you will be able to pull it off. That Thing waiting for you to work on it — maybe you lied to yourself that you’re capable of doing it in the first place. Maybe it was all an illusion, a carrot in front of your face, forcing you to get…