If I Was Honest On My Job Applications

‘Arrogant, selfish, unable to cooperate.’

I have three sisters; my mother is a sexologist and likes to talk about penises, and my dad is forty-seven and is also wondering who he will become when he grows up.

What interests you about this position? Why do you want to work here?

Are you kidding me?

I want to sit at home, write, read, go on runs, listen to sad Russian songs, and play with my cat.

But because London is slowly turning into a third-world city, I need the money to pay rent, which keeps increasing in geometric proportion. So I am saving up until I can buy a shoebox of a flat in a ghetto, which I would rent out to someone with properly rich parents so that they can cover my mortgage. Then, maybe in a few decades, I’ll get to move in there, change the carpets, get rid of the weed smell, and wipe the urine from the walls. My future kids would call it their “childhood home.”

Also, I am pretty sure I am on borrowed time until my girlfriend gets fed up with me being a freeloader and her paying most of the rent, so that’s an issue as well.

What are your greatest strengths?

People tell me I write well.

But I can also fill the dishwasher in under a minute.

Tell me about yourself.